I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just forgot I was standing up.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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