I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
