she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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