We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize