im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
