My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I currently don't understand fingers.
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