highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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