OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize