The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
