It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
