I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
