I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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