Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
