I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
