11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
