I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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