if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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