Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
