I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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