well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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