Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
