Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
