he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
