Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
