peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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