Life is so much better after having sex.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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