Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
