Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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