She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
