I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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