I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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