Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
