i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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