I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
