She is in my trunk
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
