I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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