All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
