it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
