broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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