i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
