Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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