and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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