Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
