I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
