I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
