You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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