I don't usually arrange sex via text message
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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