i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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