Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
