You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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