wakey wakey hands off snakey
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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