just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
