So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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