My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
