I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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