i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize