I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
